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December 2008

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I am greatly looking forward to graduating. This has been a roller-coaster of a year for me. With all the troubles with friends and a lack of motivation, I find my senior year slipping away. It's already halfway through November (almost) and I can think of only one moderately entertaining event: King Richard's Faire. It was a complete and total blast for sure! Cody and I plan on attending the opening and the closing at least next year.

I feel the impact of many lost friends. Tensions are high between Cody and I, mainly because I don't get home until 8pm and he's asleep by 9:30 at the latest. My mother has decided she doesn't want to deal with me. "That's what you have a fiance for. Talk to him about it. But please, stop calling here." I don't even know if I will be going home for Christmas anymore.

I think I might be depressed. Maybe that's why my writer's block has suddenly ceased to exist. All I do is work, whether it be homework, rehearsal for acting, peer tutoring, cleaning the house, or just running around doing errands and setting up appointments for the wedding. I just want to relax with Cody once I'm done after the day, but he's asleep so early. I understand he has to wake up at 4am for work, and that he works an 8 hour shift putting fruit away. I work hard, too, and just because it's not physical work, doesn't mean I'm not just as tired as he is.

Isn't this a terrible statement. I am beginning to loathe going home because of the baby. My mom and I were supposed to have some quality girl time to go wedding dress shopping, but because she didn't want the baby to see his father, she invited Vanessa and Braelen along for the trip without even asking me. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem, but whenever Braelen is around, I am completely ignored. Normally, that isn't a problem, but I find that when I am shopping for my wedding dress, I need some support from my mother. The only person who understands how my mother is with babies is Cody. She goes absolutely nuts... she is a control freak, wants everything to happen her way, and demands that the baby be in her arms at all times. Don't get me wrong, I love this little boy. But I understand that he's not my child, that he has a mother and a father, and though they are making mistakes and don't give the kid the love and attention that he deserves, he is still their kid. What right do I have to try to control his, or their, life?

I think my nostalgic ideals for the world have my emotions caving in. I desperately want to believe that everyone has some good in them, that everyone is capable of being good people. "Well, gee, Rebecca, if that was the case, what's with the sudden spurt of infanticide?" I don't have an answer to that. I was watching the news with my father on Friday night, and on that night alone in the state of Connecticut there were three (3) baby murders and one child abduction. What kind of world do we live in that a person can mercilessly slaughter something as helpless and beautiful and innocent as an infant? How about rape, molest, or otherwise sexually torment a child? Or, an eight year old little boy can pick up a rifle and shoot his father and his father's friend for no reason. What is happening? Has everyone gone mad? Where has all the sanity gone? Certainly not into Hershey's Cookies and Cream, because they don't even make that candy bar anymore.

My father tells me that things were always like this, that people were always killing and murdering and hurting children, you just didn't hear about it because the communication link was not nearly as neatly defined as it is today. I refuse to believe such audacities have been occurring since the beginning of time. Maybe it's those nostalgic ideas again, but I refuse to believe that it happened this damn frequently. Of course, there are always those few cases that will be set against the norm, but when something so heinous becomes the social norm (e.g. the famous excuse for when a mother goes nuts and kills her children in a bathtub, or some other way: "Well, what do you expect? It's this damn culture!") and people begin accepting it as a simple fact of life, there is a huge problem with that! These people should be locked away for life. Many of them get put away for 10, 15 years, and are then out on parole. That shouldn't be happening. Murdering a child is an act of cold-blooded, horrific, evil. Why do we excuse it so often?

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell."
Oscar Wilde